Monday, November 01, 2004
Ok. This is going to be another one of those entries you may not be interested in reading. Sorry guys, but this is somewhat of a journal...so I will say what I am feeling. :) (thats prolly the only smiley face you'll be seeing)
Last night was rough. I didnt take my medicine yesterday...and I thought I would be ok. I really hate that I wasnt. I dont want to be one of those crazy people who needs medicine to function like a normal human being. But, apparently yesterday I was just that. I am getting so scared about this election. In all honesty, I am not only scared about who wins. The scary part is that this is so divided...our country isnt apathetic this time. People are so passionate about this election and the fact of the matter is, whoever wins will only win with 1/2 the support of the country and the other 1/2 will be dead against him. Half of our population is going to be not only disappointed, but devastated. That scares me because we are supposed to be the United States of America and we are supposed to be standing together. Kerry supporters would say it is Bush's fault that we arent united...but that just isnt true. There is no one to blame here...it is just how it is. It is a controversial war and the candidates are so opposite...there is so much at stake. Personally, sad to admit it, I am scared of what would happen if Kerry wins. I am scared for all of our troops...and scared especially for my brother, Austin, and the friends I have who will soon be commissioned officers. I know it is useless to worry about them now when nothing has happened...the only one truly in harms way right now is Austin. But I cant help it, I am worried, that's who I am. I worry enough for the state of Texas. (on a good day) Anyhow...all that worrying got me worked up about the email Austin sent me the other day. He told me my dad was his hero and yadda yadda. So then I was worked up about him and my dad...then to calm down I had a nice long prayer and after that a nice long talk with my dad. (i am not insane...I know he very well may not hear me, but it makes me feel much better) But, once i felt calm enough to go to sleep and I said "bye" it took me back 6 years to when I said bye to him for the last time. All I could think of were his feet and my ignorance in thinking their purple color was because he was cold, not because he was dying. I could see his face as he took short shallow breaths. And all of a sudden I couldnt breathe. Lying in my bed, 2 am, and I feel like the weight of the world is crushing on my chest and I cant breathe. I knew I needed to get out of the attack before it got worse, so I decided to call my mom and have her talk me out of it. My mom is usually a pretty panicky person too but when I am, she is very good and puts her psychologist face on and talks me out of my attacks. So, i reached for my cell phone and couldnt find it. I began to panic more and breathe less. Why didnt I take my medicine? More importantly, why do I need to take medicine? No one else does. Oh yes...cell phone. Still cant find it. Then I remember I put it in my purse and I get mad at myself for being so stupid and forgetting. And I panic more. I finally dial my mom's number and she talks me out of it. 45 minutes, a cup of apple juice, and many tears later...I am calmed down and breathing normally. Rationally, I know and realize I was breathing...I was getting oxygen and I was fine. But in the moment it is the scariest thing ever. I truly felt like I couldnt breathe and my breaths were so shallow and far between. In the end, I was ok...I always am. But I dont know if I would have been had I not called my mom. I have never handled a panic attack on my own...I have never stuck it out so I dont know what would happen if she hadnt been there to talk me through it.
So, I slept like a baby and when I woke up today I felt refreshed. The weather is wonderful, my emotions are calmed, and it is going to be an excellent month. (i know this because not only will this stupid election be over, but the picture on my calendar is of Nemo AND Dory. I couldnt ask for more) I had a meeting with my ocng prof and things are looking promising, thanks to his need to impress the faculty in order to be asked back. I guess he finally reazlied his quizzes are insanely hard and we cant handle it. Yay for that. I had a nice day at work and after this I will study and swim the night away. I talked to my mom a little bit. She got me slightly worried about my brother Brandon and his marriage, but they will work it out. They love each other tremendously and they both have the committment and dedication to stick through the problems they are facing, so I am not going to worry. And I know that regardless of what happens, my worrying about it will not help the situation any. So I'll save my panic attacks for something else. j/k. But, I am doing well now so no worries.
Well, I just got a call to cover a shift at work from 8-close and because I am a softy and cant ever say no, my bank account will be $24 richer, minus taxes. whoopty doo. Anyhow...everyone get out and vote tomorrow and ags, you'd better be going to the game this weekend. We need you! (and apparently the team needs me on the field!) Have a great week and enjoy the semi-cool weather!!! au revoir
Last night was rough. I didnt take my medicine yesterday...and I thought I would be ok. I really hate that I wasnt. I dont want to be one of those crazy people who needs medicine to function like a normal human being. But, apparently yesterday I was just that. I am getting so scared about this election. In all honesty, I am not only scared about who wins. The scary part is that this is so divided...our country isnt apathetic this time. People are so passionate about this election and the fact of the matter is, whoever wins will only win with 1/2 the support of the country and the other 1/2 will be dead against him. Half of our population is going to be not only disappointed, but devastated. That scares me because we are supposed to be the United States of America and we are supposed to be standing together. Kerry supporters would say it is Bush's fault that we arent united...but that just isnt true. There is no one to blame here...it is just how it is. It is a controversial war and the candidates are so opposite...there is so much at stake. Personally, sad to admit it, I am scared of what would happen if Kerry wins. I am scared for all of our troops...and scared especially for my brother, Austin, and the friends I have who will soon be commissioned officers. I know it is useless to worry about them now when nothing has happened...the only one truly in harms way right now is Austin. But I cant help it, I am worried, that's who I am. I worry enough for the state of Texas. (on a good day) Anyhow...all that worrying got me worked up about the email Austin sent me the other day. He told me my dad was his hero and yadda yadda. So then I was worked up about him and my dad...then to calm down I had a nice long prayer and after that a nice long talk with my dad. (i am not insane...I know he very well may not hear me, but it makes me feel much better) But, once i felt calm enough to go to sleep and I said "bye" it took me back 6 years to when I said bye to him for the last time. All I could think of were his feet and my ignorance in thinking their purple color was because he was cold, not because he was dying. I could see his face as he took short shallow breaths. And all of a sudden I couldnt breathe. Lying in my bed, 2 am, and I feel like the weight of the world is crushing on my chest and I cant breathe. I knew I needed to get out of the attack before it got worse, so I decided to call my mom and have her talk me out of it. My mom is usually a pretty panicky person too but when I am, she is very good and puts her psychologist face on and talks me out of my attacks. So, i reached for my cell phone and couldnt find it. I began to panic more and breathe less. Why didnt I take my medicine? More importantly, why do I need to take medicine? No one else does. Oh yes...cell phone. Still cant find it. Then I remember I put it in my purse and I get mad at myself for being so stupid and forgetting. And I panic more. I finally dial my mom's number and she talks me out of it. 45 minutes, a cup of apple juice, and many tears later...I am calmed down and breathing normally. Rationally, I know and realize I was breathing...I was getting oxygen and I was fine. But in the moment it is the scariest thing ever. I truly felt like I couldnt breathe and my breaths were so shallow and far between. In the end, I was ok...I always am. But I dont know if I would have been had I not called my mom. I have never handled a panic attack on my own...I have never stuck it out so I dont know what would happen if she hadnt been there to talk me through it.
So, I slept like a baby and when I woke up today I felt refreshed. The weather is wonderful, my emotions are calmed, and it is going to be an excellent month. (i know this because not only will this stupid election be over, but the picture on my calendar is of Nemo AND Dory. I couldnt ask for more) I had a meeting with my ocng prof and things are looking promising, thanks to his need to impress the faculty in order to be asked back. I guess he finally reazlied his quizzes are insanely hard and we cant handle it. Yay for that. I had a nice day at work and after this I will study and swim the night away. I talked to my mom a little bit. She got me slightly worried about my brother Brandon and his marriage, but they will work it out. They love each other tremendously and they both have the committment and dedication to stick through the problems they are facing, so I am not going to worry. And I know that regardless of what happens, my worrying about it will not help the situation any. So I'll save my panic attacks for something else. j/k. But, I am doing well now so no worries.
Well, I just got a call to cover a shift at work from 8-close and because I am a softy and cant ever say no, my bank account will be $24 richer, minus taxes. whoopty doo. Anyhow...everyone get out and vote tomorrow and ags, you'd better be going to the game this weekend. We need you! (and apparently the team needs me on the field!) Have a great week and enjoy the semi-cool weather!!! au revoir
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