Sunday, September 19, 2004
Is it bad that I enjoyed every aspect of church this morning except when the preacher was talking? I loved the music selection, the scripture reading was good...and I was looking forward to the sermon but it just didnt do it for me. I dont know...I felt so bad becuase I was dozing off and daydreaming...felt so awful.
So, I had such an unsettling dream. I always have dreams and always remember them...and most of the time they are random and mean absolutely nothing. I mean, most of you have probably heard the craziness that is my dreams...I dream about boats, food, movies, walking on water, pretty much anything and 99% of the time it is pointless to even try to analyze them cause they are so random. But, last night I had one that disturbed me greatly and has put a damper on my day.
I was all dressed up as if going to a formal dance or something and I was in my duplex walking around trying to find someone who would like to see me getting ready and stuff. No one was home and none of my friends were over helping me do my hair or anything and then I looked at my couch and my dad was sitting there. I got so excited and I ran over there but he didnt look at me...it was as if he was looking through me. I looked around and all of a sudden everyone from my childhood was there...friends from church, my parents' friends, friends from elementary school...and they were all watching intently as I wrapped my arms around my dad's neck like I have wanted to for the past 6 years. But, one thing was different...he didnt hug me back. I let go a little and looked him in the eyes and he was still looking past me...almost as if he couldnt see me. I kept asking him if he thought I looked pretty, if he was excited I was going to aTm, etc...and he wouldnt answer. Then my mom's mom walked up and grabbed his hand and they walked out of my house. Suddenly everyone around me disappeared and I was once again alone in my living room. It was very distrubing because when I woke up I realized that the only person my dad aknowledged was my grandma, who has also past away. I was very upset about it when I woke up because I can vividly remember the excitement I felt when I saw him...it was as if the past 6 years were a blur and I hadnt been missing him this whole time. But then I was awakened to realize the opposite is true. That excitement isnt here and never will be and the past 6 years have been very real...I have been missing him this whole time. I tried to forget about it as I got ready for church but then the first time I dozed off the only image that came to mind was him the night he died. An image I have tried to forget for so long...and one that is ingrained in my mind. Its one of those things where the harder you try, the harder you fail. I know that for the rest of my life I will miss him, wish he could see me and be in my life, and some days will be better than others. but I like when I have dreams of my childhood; dreams of us playing football in the fall, going to Disney on Ice, me falling asleep as we watched movies and I lay in his arms...those are the memories I want to have floating around in my head. Not the image of him feb 2, 1998...not any image of him when he was sick. I dont want to have haunting dreams of him not seeing me, him not hugging me...i want to remember how excellent he was because when I do, my whole day is untouchable. And now, no matter what good happens, there will be a damper on it because all I can think about is that dream. Maybe its cause his birthday is coming up...and the anniversary of his transplant was last week...or maybe its cause my grandma keeps telling me she is so excited about seeing all 3 of his kids togehter again, first time since his funeral. (besides 45 minutes at brandon's wedding) Who knows...but I dont like it one bit.
This week is not looking too hectic. I have my regular work schedule, tuesday night liz and I might go shopping for some clothes for her (wish they were for me), and I have 2 tests on thursday. I'm not too worried about either test though...french I am good at and management isnt too challenging. Then comes the weekend! I am going home for the day saturday to see my wonderful brother! I might spend the night there, but I doubt it. I have lots to study for the next week so I will prolly come back late saturday night. Kind of sad there is no yell on friday...but I'll get over it. Yep...pretty much over it. :) If anyone wants to do anything monday night I think I'll be chillin...no studying for this girl! And there's always friday!!! WHOOOP! (i am trying to make this blog a little more upbeat considering the depressing paragraph you just sat through) Well, I guess I'll get going. I am going to get ahead on studying for management, MAYBE french, review for an ocng quiz, do some laundry...and sulk in my misery of not getting to see you today. (that is directed at everyone but alexis cause i got to see her! whooop) Have a good sunday...and try to relax!...hope your week goes well and everyone does well on any tests they have, now that the first round has started. au revoir
So, I had such an unsettling dream. I always have dreams and always remember them...and most of the time they are random and mean absolutely nothing. I mean, most of you have probably heard the craziness that is my dreams...I dream about boats, food, movies, walking on water, pretty much anything and 99% of the time it is pointless to even try to analyze them cause they are so random. But, last night I had one that disturbed me greatly and has put a damper on my day.
I was all dressed up as if going to a formal dance or something and I was in my duplex walking around trying to find someone who would like to see me getting ready and stuff. No one was home and none of my friends were over helping me do my hair or anything and then I looked at my couch and my dad was sitting there. I got so excited and I ran over there but he didnt look at me...it was as if he was looking through me. I looked around and all of a sudden everyone from my childhood was there...friends from church, my parents' friends, friends from elementary school...and they were all watching intently as I wrapped my arms around my dad's neck like I have wanted to for the past 6 years. But, one thing was different...he didnt hug me back. I let go a little and looked him in the eyes and he was still looking past me...almost as if he couldnt see me. I kept asking him if he thought I looked pretty, if he was excited I was going to aTm, etc...and he wouldnt answer. Then my mom's mom walked up and grabbed his hand and they walked out of my house. Suddenly everyone around me disappeared and I was once again alone in my living room. It was very distrubing because when I woke up I realized that the only person my dad aknowledged was my grandma, who has also past away. I was very upset about it when I woke up because I can vividly remember the excitement I felt when I saw him...it was as if the past 6 years were a blur and I hadnt been missing him this whole time. But then I was awakened to realize the opposite is true. That excitement isnt here and never will be and the past 6 years have been very real...I have been missing him this whole time. I tried to forget about it as I got ready for church but then the first time I dozed off the only image that came to mind was him the night he died. An image I have tried to forget for so long...and one that is ingrained in my mind. Its one of those things where the harder you try, the harder you fail. I know that for the rest of my life I will miss him, wish he could see me and be in my life, and some days will be better than others. but I like when I have dreams of my childhood; dreams of us playing football in the fall, going to Disney on Ice, me falling asleep as we watched movies and I lay in his arms...those are the memories I want to have floating around in my head. Not the image of him feb 2, 1998...not any image of him when he was sick. I dont want to have haunting dreams of him not seeing me, him not hugging me...i want to remember how excellent he was because when I do, my whole day is untouchable. And now, no matter what good happens, there will be a damper on it because all I can think about is that dream. Maybe its cause his birthday is coming up...and the anniversary of his transplant was last week...or maybe its cause my grandma keeps telling me she is so excited about seeing all 3 of his kids togehter again, first time since his funeral. (besides 45 minutes at brandon's wedding) Who knows...but I dont like it one bit.
This week is not looking too hectic. I have my regular work schedule, tuesday night liz and I might go shopping for some clothes for her (wish they were for me), and I have 2 tests on thursday. I'm not too worried about either test though...french I am good at and management isnt too challenging. Then comes the weekend! I am going home for the day saturday to see my wonderful brother! I might spend the night there, but I doubt it. I have lots to study for the next week so I will prolly come back late saturday night. Kind of sad there is no yell on friday...but I'll get over it. Yep...pretty much over it. :) If anyone wants to do anything monday night I think I'll be chillin...no studying for this girl! And there's always friday!!! WHOOOP! (i am trying to make this blog a little more upbeat considering the depressing paragraph you just sat through) Well, I guess I'll get going. I am going to get ahead on studying for management, MAYBE french, review for an ocng quiz, do some laundry...and sulk in my misery of not getting to see you today. (that is directed at everyone but alexis cause i got to see her! whooop) Have a good sunday...and try to relax!...hope your week goes well and everyone does well on any tests they have, now that the first round has started. au revoir
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